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Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit." ---- When a man loves a Munky Carol from Suffolk asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you get my email marked 'Urgent'? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Carol, I can resolutely assure you that an angry mob of feather-less ducks will not burst into your bedroom and demand their plumage back from the new duvet. It was all just a dream... just a dream... just a... hang on, there's someone squawking at the door. ---- Carl from Suffolk asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if a feather lands by your feet it is meant to signify that an angel is watching over you. Earlier today a duvet fell on my head, what could that mean? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Carl, it could mean that you have some bloody big angels in your neck of the woods. I suspect however that Carol is having a duck domestic (see above). ---- 1/2 Wayne from Hammersmith asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I abhor any form of vandalism and, as a result, am unable to break the glass panels on fire alarms. With this in mind, do you think that the charge of, 'hammer misconduct' will be dropped? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Wayne, with regards to your question, I have consulted the 1984 Blue Peter annual and can categorically state that a charge of 'hammer misconduct' cannot possible be made against you on this occasion. You might be interested to note that I am working on a fire alarm panel that can be activated by simply reciting a favourite poem. 2/2 Wayne replies - Dear Unkle Munky, to be quite frank, I couldn't give a shit. I don't really like poetry. 'Unkle Munky says -' ...what a tosser! ---- Brian from Durham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, shall I get the washing the in? 'Unkle Munkys says -' Dear Brian, I would. It's gone a bit cloudy hasn't it? ...blimey, problems are short on the ground today and no mistake. ---- Munky Experiments Joy from Eastbourne asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is there any hard evidence available to prove that acupuncture really works? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Joy, the deflated sex doll in the corner of my room is now but a symbol of this shambolic form of therapy. If these tests are anything to go by then I can definitely say that acupuncture is a load of old skid mark! ---- Shaun from Exeter asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that the state of a man's car will influence his ability to pull a nice lady? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Shaun, this theory is complete and utter anal debris. My car (pictured) has done little to assist me in the pulling department! ---- Tony from Brighton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you speak to my girlfriend with regards to the email I sent you? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Tony, negotiations are currently at a rather delicate stage. When your girlfriend asked what you were into, I think we can safely assume that she was expecting a list of sporting activities, pop groups, hobbies etc and NOT the somewhat dubious inventory of dark sexual fantasies that you proceeded to voice. Your 'water sports' revelation in particular seems to have had a rather adverse affect upon her delicate disposition. I shall do my best to comfort her during these unnerving times. I have promised not to pee on her and would advise that you to follow a similar line. ---- Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that a person can tune into Mars by simply holding a glass tumbler to a radiator? Please don't tell me that my mate is pulling my plonker again. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Warren, I can happily confirm that your trusty friend is telling you the truth with regards to the Mars phenomenon. Always remember to empty the glass of any beverage before placing against said radiator. ---- Sara from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as you are no doubt aware, I am an extremely attractive young model. I have perfect teeth and skin and am also considered to be the ideal weight for my super-model height. With all of this in mind, do I need to bother checking my breasts for lumps on a regular basis? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Sara, I am indeed aware that you are perfect in every way. After all, you do seem to tell me on a weekly basis. I very much doubt that a girl like you will ever need to check her own breasts for troublesome lumps. Surely there is a long line of eligible young men/women who are just itching to feel you up? ---- Mirror in the bathroom Trevor from Hull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I need answers! I'm going insane here! Please reply to my email. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Trevor, I fear that you have been watching far too much reality TV. I can positively assure you that there is no one watching from behind the bathroom mirror! Please Trevor, for the sake of your work colleagues, just have a shower. ---- Nigel from Stourbridge asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently told my girlfriend that she was more lovely than a big old dirty turnip. Her miserable reaction, however, was not what I had anticipated. Where did I go wrong Unkle Munky? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Nigel, this just proves how very mysterious the female psyche really is. If someone expressed their love for me in such a way I would surely be as happy as Larry. Please see attached photo. To be quite frank, I don't know how that bloke does it! ---- Colin from Hampshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have a friend named William who recently came out as a homosexual. It will be his birthday on Saturday and, with this in mind, I was wondering what I should buy him. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Colin, to be quite frank, I am alarmed by your question. There is nothing wrong with being gay and there is nothing on the market (nor should there be) that will straighten your friend William out! Shame on you. Colin replies - Oh fer fcuk's sake Munky! I meant, what should I buy him as a present! I am quite comfortable with his sexuality and have no hang-ups whatsoever about having a gay friend. 'Unkle Munky says -' Oh, oh I see. Well, it was an easy mistake to make. I am only a munky ya know! I would, on this occasion, suggest that you buy him a Kylie CD, a skin-tight T-Shirt (white) and tickets to the Abba musical, 'Mama Mia'. ---- 'Professional' Agony Aunt, Claire Rayner from Butts Inn says - Dear Unkle Munky, your recent reply to Colin from Hampshire regarding his gay friend further proves to me (and many of my friends on the agony circuit) that you are completely unsuitable for this kind of position! Assuming that all gay men go around in white body hugging T-shirts, listen to Ms. Kylie Minogue and spend their weekends travelling to venues promoting the music of Abba is, to be quite frank, nothing short of ignorant! Your stereotypical attitude towards this young man is shameful. I am watching you Munky features. My file on your agony misdemeanours grows fatter by the day! 'Unkle Munky says -' Well, you'd know all about fat wouldn't ya? Using the gift of hindsight (that I got free in a box of Kellogg's Cornflakes) I am willing to admit that my previous advice on this matter may have seemed, at best, stereotypical. With this in mind I have contacted Colin privately with more gift suggestions and have even sent him a free pair of Scissor Sisters tickets. Now go and poke your big fat ugly nose into someone else's business you sad old tart! ---- Colin from Hampshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, surely taking my gay friend to a Scissor Sisters concert will only further enhance his suspicions that society is full of bigoted cretins who label first and think later? After all, the Scissor Sisters also have a huge gay following. P.S. I'm not too sure about the cravat you sent me either. 'Unkle Munky says -' Oh fer god's sake! This is a minefield and no mistake. I have a pair of 'Take That' tickets if they are of any use? I hear that Lulu might even join them on their chart topping 'Relight my fire' classic. As for the lovely silk cravat that I sent you? Shove up your arse you ungrateful git! ---- Press the button... Susie from Portsmouth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, there is a big red button at my place of work that is labelled 'Do Not Press!'. Surely such a switch should be guarded against accidental pressings? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Susie, I agree with you completely. If this button is accidentally pressed (-; then surely you can't be held responsible. Do let me know what happens when you casually lean on it during a well rehearsed coffee break. Susie screams - Oh Fcuk! The shuttle's booster rocket just ignited! Fcukin' hell! Shit! Oh bollocks. Thanks for nothing Munky boy! Shit! They'll have my head for this and no mistake!!! 'Unkle Munky replies -' Wow, how cool is that? I didn't know you worked for Nasa? ---- Mary from Swansea asks - Dear Unkle Munky, in a previous life I think I may have left the gas on. How do I contact my ancestors without causing them too much alarm? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Mary, it would appear to me that your troubles are all in the past. Contacting your ancestors is futile as they are almost certainly dead. Who knows, your admission regarding an unsupervised gas main may have even attributed to their untimely demise. I hope this helps. ---- Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that the moon, like the batman logo, is merely a projection? Please don't tell me that my mate is pulling my plonker again. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Warren, I can indeed confirm that the moon is merely a projected image and that your friend is not pulling your plonker. You might be interested to note that the moon landing of 1969 was nothing more than an elaborate light show which utilised the talents of a French puppeteer named Persil, a Duracell high-powered torch, a Coca Cola bottle and a sheet of 'high density' black cardboard from Partners the stationers. *Pic. Batman with a tin of soup on his head? ---- Rigor Mortis Donkey! Sid from Barnsley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you contact CBBC with regards to my groundbreaking idea? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Sid, the BBC have confirmed my worst suspicions and it is with some regret that I must inform you that your children's television show reel, 'Rigor Mortis Donkey' has been rejected. ---- Tina from Taunton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you manage to contact a solicitor with regards to my query? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Tina, citing your husbands receding hairline as grounds for a divorce is not going to hold water in any court of law. ---- Advertisement ---- Carol from Barnsley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased a blister pack of Viagra for my boyfriend's birthday. We had a great time but are now growing increasingly concerned as his erection does not seem to be wilting. Can you help Unkle Munky? It's been three days and he is starting to look a little pale! 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Carol, I have had a similar experience with regards to said medication. It is not good practice to take the whole blister pack. Usually half a tablet will suffice. Please do not worry. By simply looking at the attached picture your boyfriend's penis will be flaccid in no time. Good luck. ---- Gary from Devon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased a bottle of Gaviscon to help combat the terrible pain caused by acid indigestion. I was amazed by how quickly and effectively said product seemed to work and was wondering if acid rain could be alleviated by simply pouring the aforementioned product into the centre of any offending clouds? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Gary, I have contacted the European Board of Clouds and they have confirmed my worst suspicions. You really are talking out of your arse. ---- Simone from Blackpool asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been asked by a complete stranger to shove a condom full of white powder up my bum as he has no room in his suitcase. With this in mind, I was wondering what kind of sheath would best suit the bill? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Simone, I find your naivety both alarming and strangely alluring. Under no circumstances must you shove anything up your bum whilst going through customs. ---- Next... Previous... Return to Munky Menu...